(Status Update): How did Magic Johnson ever get that name? if his johnson truly was magic it wouldn't give you aids.

(status update): sometimes when i poop i wish i were a play-do fun factory, i would be so thrilled if i looked in the bowl and saw a crescent moon shaped poop.

(friend1): there is seriously something wrong with you

(Status Update): bitches love the yaris, oh yes bitches love the yaris.

(Status update): off to the browns game

(friend1): hahahahahah your hilarious

(Status Update): Im getting drippy!

(friend1): gross :(

(Status Update): drinking boxed wine and watching my mother vacuum the hardwood floor, god i love the holidays.

(Status Update): Just witnessed my mother and sister criticize the family dog for not being able to talk. We're off to a great start to make this the most traumatic thanksgiving ever.